schmuckyduck

For starters, let's deal with the fact that I am posting this from the Box Office... hahahaha. I cannot get away from this place. I was kind of going completely mental being a SAHM bc Chris was always traveling and I started to feel like I was really sort of losing myself & having to take on the entire responsibility of the baby on my own. So, I decided now that we are back by AC to go to work part-time. It just so happened that a few positions were open at the Box Office & I basically applied & was hired back the same day. I'm only here part time and it's weird to be working with an entirely different staff & not have any real responsibility or "say," but it's nice to get out and talk to grown-ups every now and then. We'll see how long this lasts.

It's been awhile since I've posted in here. Really, because I didn't have anything good to report. Things were really a little rough there for a bit. For awhile I honestly thought that my marriage might end... but it was so much more than that. I could care less about the fact that he's my husband... it's the fact that we have been together for a DECADE and have completely grown up together. Long story short, we kind of lost our way there for a bit. But I think our relationship is stronger than ever. And more importantly, our friendship is too. So, we'll see...

Sometimes you've got to be flexible & compromise- and I will leave it at that.

Ehhh, I'm gg eat dinner in the employee cafeteria... so, that's enough of this. But now that I have access to this site on this computer, goodness knows I'll be blabbing away in my good old LJ that no one ever reads. All the same, it's just nice to vent sometimes. :)

I was reading old entries of mine and a ton of old entries of friends (b/c I'm a lame memory-lane-walker-downer) and it made me smile. So much has changed. So much has stayed the same. There is something so wonderful and amazing about that, right?

My best friends are still my best friends. But we're all so grown-up... (fuck that, we're still the coolest kids you know, lol).

I don't know, it makes me happy to read about the crazy days gone by.

And it makes me look forward to tomorrow.

I can't wait for Chris to get home. He'll be here on Wednesday & then he's here for good. And we'll sleep in the same bed every night and he'll have every weekend off. I am so excited to be getting my partner in crime back. Our little family unit will be complete and life will be a lot more fun & a lot less stress for me. I won't be doing it all on my own :)

And, really, I just kind of love my husband and want to be able to sit on the couch in his arms watching ridiculous television shows or playing video games. There's a reason we've been together for 10 years and we've put up with all of the nonsense that is written in this journal.

***YAWN***

I should go to bed.
I'm taking Madison to the Camden Aquarium with my mom, sister and nephew tomorrow. I'm really excited to be close enough to get to do things like this with them. Tomorrow should be a good day.

Well, we moved back to SoJo. The baby and I are here & Chris will be joining us for good next week. I'll feel a lot better about all of it when he's here & home every night and we are actually seeing each other. It's starting to be such a strain on us that we never have any time together. So, I'm really looking forward to his schedule changing.

We're going to start house-hunting soon. At, the moment, we're just sort of keeping our eyes open for good things, but we'll start actively looking more when he gets here and settled in.

We have a good idea of what we want & where & how much we want to spend. It's a buyers' market right now, too... so that's good. Also, we qualify for the first time homebuyers' incentive, which runs out in December... I'm glad there's an expiration on it, otherwise we might never buy a house, hehe.

ANYway, Maddie is sleeping ridiculously late today. I guess she woke up a lot last night and this morning though, so it's a good thing. We have no real plans today or anything, so I'm fine with the schedule getting a little wonky :)

Hubby's coming down here for the night b/c he's off. Looking forward to seeing him, even if it's only for 24 hours.


PS- Maddie is 11 months old today! Where does the time go?!?!

For starters, once our move is over (after this Wednesday) I'm going to make an effort to post more about my day-to-day as a SAHM. I just want to be able to share this with Madison someday... So far, I've had this journal for 6 years, so I'm sure she'll learn a lot about her dear old Mom, lol.

ANYway-

Today we went to a birthday party for Maddie's friend, Leelee. We had a good time, and it really made me realize how FAST time is flying. Maddie is going to be one year old in a little more than a month. I can't believe it.

She started walking the other day. She took a few steps & I was blown away! Now, she's getting more and more courageous everyday. She's walking more and more (at least when we're at home) and crawling less and less. It's incredible. She's so wobbly and wonderful.

My lil girl is growing up!

Tonight, I'm sitting in my bedroom alone & missing the days when Maddie used to sleep with me. We co-slept for the first 6 months or so of her life. It was so nice to have her next to me- but now she moves all over the place and really needs her own space. Every now and then, I bring her into our room in the morning and she'll fall asleep for an hour with me. That is my favorite.


Seriously, I love being a mom :)


Look at her! (Almost 11 months old!)

I am such a lucky, lucky girl. And I needed to post that somewhere... I needed to say it.

Seriously, there is simply no reason for me to ever be down. All I need to do is look at my beautiful little girl and it's so clear to me that I am blessed beyond belief. She is amazing. I don't know what I did to deserve her.

I've never ever known a love like this before. I just wish that everyone in the world would get to experience it too. I can only imagine what an amazing place this planet would be if that were the case... and if people would stop and look and LOVE and realize that's really what it's all about.

And now, I'm taking my hippy self to bed.

I am lying in bed while the baby takes a nap. I'm watching ridiculous reality television & playing on the internet. I don't feel guilty... not even a little bit.

I'm not going to complain about the fact that I'm over-tired & over being alone... I'm just going to get off of the computer and pick up "Eclipse," read a few chapters, and then close my eyes and go to sleep.

Then, tomorrow, I am going to wake up, take my daughter to The Little Gym, get some lunch & hopefully spend the rest of the day with a smile on my face.

I have GOT to promise myself that I will start taking better care of myself, because no one else is going to do it for me... I cannot let myself go. I refuse.

Good night.

A Livejournal.

Hahaha.

Someone recently mentioned that they had a livejournal & I thought, "damn, I've had one for about 6 years now..."

You know what's funny? Looking back at some of the entries, I can recall certain other events that were going on at those times in my life- things that I completely left out of here. I didn't want people to read some of the things that I was truly thinking and feeling. So, what then, was really the point of this all that time?

I don't know. But it's been fun.

And I'll probably keep coming back to type silly blurbs like this on occasion. The good stuff is written in actual journals. And someday, maybe I'll be brave enough to let it all out. Goodness knows that I've had a lot to say... a lot to see, a lot to be.

I'm so glad that I have such a good memory though. I've been able to close my eyes and recall many silly events as if they were yesterday. It's important to me to keep memories alive. Especially of the moments in my life that really made me who I am.

I remember what it was like the first time I fell in love. I remember the first time I had my heart broken. I remember holding on. I remember moving on. I remember moving out. I remember growing up. I remember falling down. I remember...

I remember everything.

And I'm beginning to think that maybe I ought to chronicle all of it.

Maybe I'll write a book that no one will ever read.

Maybe I'll write a book that my daughter will read one day when I'm gone.

Maybe, yawn, maybe I'll go to sleep & dream about writing that book.

I have about a zillion ideas running through my head right now bc for some reason I want people to know me. And I want to know them back. But these "social networking sites" aren't going to cut it.

There are so many topics that I'm so curious about... so many things I want to know about my friends and family. But things that I want real answers to. Not the "public livejournal version" of the answers that I've given for so long.

I don't know where this is really coming from other than the fact that I've been thinking a lot about love and life tonight. And my experiences thus far with both. Though those experiences may have been limited, they've been intense & beautiful... and they creep into my mind at 12:50am when I should be sleeping because my daughter is going to wake up soon...

I love saying that...
my daughter.

And I love knowing that all of the circumstances in my life- the good, the bad, the beautiful, the not-so-lovely, are all a part of bringing her into this world. And so, they've all been worth it.

Today is one of those days where I'm waking up and feeling like the luckiest person in the world. My daughter is amazing. I am so excited for whatever today will hold for us :)

So, I'm registering to take the GREs :)

I'm thinking about how I'm going to make this work, but if I don't at least try, I'll be pissed at myself for a good long time.

So, my dream of all dreams is to get into the MA in Theater Education program at Emerson in Boston. From there, I'd want to get my PhD so that I could teach at the college level. We are talking years upon years of work here- and with a baby, it's going to be no easy feat. But the more I think about it, the more I'm realizing that the last thing I want to do is give up on the things I've always wanted b/c what the hell kind of lesson is that teaching Madison? So, yeah, it's going to be hard & yeah, I might be 40 before I finish... or hell, even start (hopefully not the latter), but I'm going to try.

And if the Boston thing doesn't work out- there are plenty of schools in NJ, NY & Philly that I can work towards getting into.

I have no idea where the money for this is going to come from. Or how for the love of all that is holy I am going to make this work, but I think I really have to do this is baby steps.

Soooo- first, I'm going to take the GREs and get a ridiculous score. Then, I'm going to continue to research programs & financial aid while the hubby figures out where the hell we are going to be living...

If I just work on those things and believe that I can do it, then there is no reason that I can't.

So, I just re-read the last few entries that I posted & I think it's important for me to blog about happy things too, hehe. Because, I'm realizing that when things are great, I tend to just let them BE great & I don't acknowledge how lucky or happy I am.

I was reading things this afternoon about these families who have sick children and things like that, and I just thank my lucky stars every single day.

Today, we went to Music Class. It's basically just a bunch of little ones and their Mommies or Grandmas & we sing lots of silly songs and bang on instruments. Well, today, I just had this overwhelming wave of happiness rush over me while I was watching Maddie figure it all out. She was holding these sticks and she realized that everyone else was banging them together and that they were making noise. Within a minute or two, she started to do the same. And it was something so simple, but to see her grow and learn and figure things out is simply amazing!!!

I cannot believe that she is almost 8 months old. It is crazy!! She's crawling all over and walking along the coffee table and the couch. The other day she started letting go & standing with only one hand holding on. Hehe.

So, there are just so many wonderful things that I am truly grateful for. And being this little girl's mom and being married to that husband of mine is WAAAAAAAY cooler and more rewarding than anything else I could be doing with my time.

I just need to re-read this when CT is in some foreign country & I'm doing it on my own... I have it sooooo much easier than most. And I love it.

Maddie is taking a nap & I am sitting here waiting for the exterminator to get here b/c we have some ants who've found their way into our house from a crack in the foundation or something... they live in my dishwasher. It's not fun.

So, I'm sitting here. Reading silly things online. Relaxing, quietly in my bedroom. I've got a lot on my mind at the moment...

I've got this friend- well, someone I knew once- who is very successfully pursuing a career in theater & no one should be surprised by that at all. He's the only person I've ever worked with and really thought "damn, he's gonna do it." I hope no one reads that and takes serious offense, b/c clearly, I include myself in that... anyway, it's just making me wonder. And reminisce. And I'm having a hard time bc I kind of feel guilty for wondering what would have happened if I had tried harder and focused more on that. It's one of those things where it's like, I have always sort of wanted these 2 very different things & could never figure out a way to make them work together.

To really pursue theater, in almost any capacity, means that you have to put yourself and your ambitions first. And you have to work... HARD. I didn't.

And now, I'm 26, and married with a baby (but very happily)...

There are just days, every now and again, where I miss it. And want it back. I feel like I'm just not done.

Ugh, I cannot wait until Christopher gets a job with some sort of normal schedule. Because at least then I can maybe do a show here and there or take a class or guitar lessons... anything for myself... Because I really think that that would make me a better wife, a better mother & most importantly, a better version of myself.

I don't want to lose that just because I'm growing up...

every now and then i get a mild pang of jealousy (? i dunno if that's the right word) when i hear that my friends are out and about in south jersey doing ridiculous things... and I've been in bed since 930pm. And seriously, I should have gone to sleep hours ago...

i just got a text from a random friend who was like "oh, hey, i'm out at this bar & i see so&so, but don't have their numbers. can u text them and tell them i'm here?" i don't know why, but it bothered me... it's like- yes, i'm married & have a baby, but MAYBE every now and then i miss being able to hang out & maybe i hate the fact that i live 3 hours away from everyone... so MAYBE i'm not the best person to ask to do this b/c you're totally throwing it in my face that i'm not there.

and i KNOW that was reallllllly not the intention. it's just me & the fact that my husband isn't here til thursday & i'm lonely. boo.

ya know, honestly, in reality, i wouldn't change anything though. i was holding my baby girl tonight & rocking her to sleep. and i just thought "damn, i am so lucky." so that's what i need to focus on in those few moments of feeling like i'm missing out on all these things with my friends. maybe they're actually the ones who are missing out right now :) b/c i've got this beautiful little girl and this amazing husband & i will never understand what i did to deserve them.

i just wish i was closer to SoJo & everyone in it. but we're working on it. keep your fingers crossed.

and now, i seriously have to go to sleep. that little angel is going to wake my ass up soon.

I am just posting here to say that there are too many places that I can post things on the internet. It's getting insane. I should probably quit them all and stick to one. As if anyone would care. Ha.

How egotistical of us to think that people want to read what we have to say or look at our pictures all the time.

And how silly of us to waste so much time actually doing those things when there is a big bright world out there to explore.

I really need to listen to myself about this. Seriously.

Maybe when the weather is a bit nicer & my daughter is a bit older & we can actually get out of the house...

blargh.

Oh, and I miss Chris... as per usual.
G'night.

Well, it's Christmas Eve. I'm sitting at the house with Madison getting ready to watch "The Chronicles of Narnia" on TV b/c I've never seen it before & well, why not?

I just came back from Stephanie's house. She invited me over for Christmas Eve festivities with her & the family. It was pretty much the nicest thing, um, ever. I seriously felt like I was in a holiday movie. Her aunt was playing the piano & everyone gathered around the piano to sing Christmas carols. Everyone was so amazingly nice & I seriously got teary-eyed b/c I was standing there holding Madison (who slept through the singing) and I was thinking about how I want that for her. THAT is the kind of family that I want to make for her. It was truly awesome.

It's hard this year. It's supposed to be the best Christmas of my life b/c it's Maddie's first, but it's also the first Christmas without Grandma Honey. I'm really trying hard not to think about that too much & going over Steph's tonight really helped that.

I must say that I am really thrilled with the fact that Steph & I have gotten to be such good friends. She really has been an amazing friend- someone that I truly enjoy hanging out with, but someone who's also been really caring & supportive. And if you had told me 3 years ago that we'd be where we are now, I would have said "yeah right." But not because of Stephanie, b/c of Justin. It is so incredibly awesome to be in a place where we're all grown up & happy for each other. And it's not weird. Not even in the least. I am soooo glad that they found each other & have each other b/c they're great together. So, yay!

Anyway, in other news, Chris will be getting home from Spain sometime late tomorrow afternoon & we're going to pack up the car & head to MA to spend Christmas with his family. I can't wait.

And Chris is taking me to the movies at some point while we're there. As a Christmas present. I think we're going to see "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." I haven't been to the movies in ages, so that will be nice :o) We'll see if I actually do it though. As much as I like going out, I hate leaving Maddie... at all. I miss her & worry about her the entire time, so we'll see.

Alrighty- well, Merry Christmas & Happy New Year... Happy Holidays...
And lots of Peace & love...

So, I hosted my very first holiday dinner yesterday. Most of my side of the family was able to come up for it. It was me, CT, Maddie, my mom, Lauren, her bf Joe, Dad, Jenn, Gail, Emily & Lydnsey. I made Baked Ziti, Salad, Buttered Biscuits & meatballs for dinner. We also had tons of pie & snacks, etc. We opened presents & just hung out. It turned out great. I was really proud of myself.

I was happy to be hosting this year b/c I think it's really helped me to get my mind off of missing my Grandma so much at this time of year. This Christmas is sooo bitter-sweet. I miss my Grandma so much, but it's Madison's first Christmas. So it's just a bizarre way to feel, I guess.

Anyway, Chris is doing another test for his dream job today. I hope it's going well. It's a life-changer, this job. So we're crossing our fingers.

In other news, or back to Christmas news, we're going to MA for Christmas this year. I'm looking forward to it, but it's definitely going to be a really short trip. We'll only really be there for 2 full days, I think. But either way, it'll be fun.

Then we're going to try to go down to SoJo to meet up with James & Jacqui & Jaiden. They're coming back from Texas for the holidays! Yay!

I'm really hoping that time is going to speed up for a little bit & that we're nearing the end of our stint in North Jersey. I really really just want to be back in SoJo, even if it's just for a few months. It's weird, b/c if he DOES get this job, then we could be moving to goodness knows where, but his work schedule would be a little less chaotic, so I don't think I'd feel as lonely. Ya know?

Annnnnyway, I guess that's really all I've got.

I'm gg relax for a bit while Maddie is napping.

She is soooo amazing :o)

ok, so, chris is in spain. he's supposed to come home tomorrow, but apparently we're going to get 8-12" of snow. annnnnd, i planned this whole huge christmas dinner for sunday (before this storm was even a thought). it's most likely not going to happen. argh.

i'm just pissy today. i'm hating chris' job. i don't think i would hate it so much if i was anywhere NEAR family or friends, but this is RIDICULOUS. i hate it, i hate it, i hate it. and i try not to complain about it too much b/c he works so hard & is always looking for a way to get something closer to home. so it's not his fault. but i hate it.

and it's not what i want for maddie. i don't want to be the only person this little girl is comfortable with. but what else is going to happen when she sees her relatives like once a month?

i guess it wouldn't be so bad if it were warm out though. the neighbors are always outside in the summer. i'm looking forward to warm weather.

i used to love winter. but now, i'm always afraid that the power is going to go out & i'm going to be alone in the dark with madison. seriously. today i went and bought a few night lights that come on if the power goes out & a big ass battery-operated lantern. just in case.

i just have to keep praying that it'll be all good though. UGH.

keep your fingers crossed that this storm isn't as bad as they are forecasting. i'm reallllllly not looking forward to it.

ok, bitchfest is over.

i just want my husband.

ok, ok, no... it's not over, i lied.

that's the other thing. i have been feeling a tad crappy about us lately. just in that i feel like we really don't get to spend ANY time together anymore. that & sometimes i feel like chris thinks i just sit on my ass all day while he's at work. but it's like- i do NOT get a break. having a 3 month old, on your own, really doesn't afford a whole lot of free time. and i get that. i signed on for that. but he comes home from work & he's so exhausted & SO AM I. not only have i been taking care of maddie for an entire day (or several) on my own, but then i make sure that dinner is on the table & the house isn't too horribly messy. and he'll be like "you didn't check the mail?" hahaha. NO, I DIDN'T. so while you get to leave your job & come home, i am seriously working 24/7. and it's the hardest job i've ever had...

and i don't think he means anything by it. but apparently i'm living in 1950. and i feel like i'm being taken for granted. and i'm having these horrible visions of him running around the world & meeting some "chippie." LoL.

i don't want to fall into that rut. i don't want to be "the old ball & chain." we've been together for so long, yes. but we're also still young. and i miss that whole "being crazy in love thing." i just hope he really still feels that for me. at all.

OK. NOW I'm done. I guess.
argghhhhhhh

at this current moment in time i am seriously hating my husband's job. he is en route to barcelona & will be back on wednesday. at times i'm a little jealous of the fact that he gets to go to all of these amazing places, but really, i just miss him. SO SO much.

today i busted out some old videos. videos of us back in high school. it is HILARIOUS. i cannot believe that we are still together. i mean, i believe it, but who would have thought? and now we're married and have a beautiful daughter together. man, i love that boy.

and oh my goodness, i am so glad that i grew into myself. i was such a dork. and seriously, i don't know what he saw in me. i couldn't have cared less about what i looked like & man, did it show. hahahahaha.

ANYway, i'm getting tired & it's only 8:30. that's what having a new baby will do to you. i'm probably going to venture up to bed in a few. besides, the quicker i go to sleep, the quicker the time will pass & my hubster will be back.

what to do tomorrow?? maybe we'll go walk around target or the mall or something, just to get out of the house. i dunno. either that or wrap lots of christmas presents. we shall see.


peace.
*I <3 CRT*

I think I'm starting to get really excited about Christmas. Not just Christmas day, either, but the whole season. It's so weird for me, b/c on one hand- I'm devastated by the fact that my Grandma Honey isn't here, but on the other, it's Maddie's first Christmas. It's also the first time Chris & I have our own place to decorate & such. We put up lights last night & we're going to put up the tree this weekend! It just makes me smile.

We also did a little Christmas shopping yesterday. I can't wait until Maddie is old enough to know what Christmas is & to get excited about Santa Claus, etc... but for now, she's content to look at the lights & we're content to all just be together :o) That's what it's really all about anyway- or what it should be about.

With that in mind, I decided that I wanted to invite my whole family to our house for a Christmas dinner on the 21st. I'm inviting my side of the family b/c I'll most likely be spending Christmas day/weekend with Chris' side... and also, b/c I feel like my Grandma was the glue that held us all together & without her, someone has to step up or it's not going to happen. Soooo- I'm going to attempt to make it work. Our place is way too small for this, but I've invited Mom, Dad, Jenn, CJ, Ang, Jenny, Lauren, Michael, Gail, Em & Lyndsey... we'll see who actually comes. Whoever does is going to be treated to some yummy Baked Ziti & meatballs & pie & such. We're going to give our gifts to everyone & my house is going to look like Christmas exploded. Wish me luck with all this!!!!! Hehehe.

In other news, my bday is on Sunday. I got some money from some of Chris' relatives & I used it to buy a DVD recorder. I can copy old VHS tapes onto DVDs & I am soooooo excited about that.

We hooked it up as soon as it was delivered & I watched some old home videos b/c ALL that I wanted was to see my Grandma & hear her voice. It made me a little sad, but honestly, I mostly felt a sense of relief. Or release. I'm not sure which. But I felt better.

I watched some videos from 1990 & then I watched the video of my 16th bday party. I cannot believe that that was 10 years ago! And my, how much has changed! It was nice to see that 99% of the people in the video are still a huge part of my life though. Justin, Brittany & Stephanie (who were literally like the only friends I had there [b/c they were the only ones that were important enough to me at the time really]) are still in my life. And still a very important part of it. I hope they know that.

What else? Chris has a very important job interview today & I'm praying with all of my heart that he gets it. Because honestly, how many people actually get thisclose to achieving their life-long dream? Really? I mean, this is IT for him... everything he's ever wanted. And so, I just hope he gets it. I want that for him. He deserves it. And it would mean a lot of good things for our family.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind. So that's what's in my LJ.

Peace & love, y'all.